An Introverted Actress

Trips With Exes

Recently, I took a trip to Disneyland Paris. It's the third time I've visited DLP. The first time was back in 2012 with then boyfriend, Alex Day and the second time in 2015 on a #PressTrip with then boyfriend, Pete Bucknall. I'm quite candid about past failed relationships especially when questions often crop up on my social media about exes. How do I feel about introducing a boyfriend to my nephews because what if we were then to break up? And isn't it embarrassing that literally thousands of people watched my relationship end after I'd moved in with said boyfriend and made videos with him about our relationship? In all honesty, I hold no shame over these things. Relationships end. Shit happens. The world keeps turning and life moves on. But I'm sure as hell not going to cautiously tiptoe through a relationship wondering what might happen if one day it all goes tits up. I'm going to enjoy every ounce of it and if it does go horribly wrong then it was nice while it lasted. That being said...I've recently discovered that there is so much of my past relationships that I just. can't. remember. 

Mollie and I in DLP July 2019
I wandered through Disneyland Paris like it was the first time I'd ever been there despite having been on two trips that definitely should have been memorable. There were vague recollections here and there but no solid memories to grasp onto. Nothing I made a beeline for because I knew it was great and likewise nothing I avoided because I remember disliking it before. I even scrolled back through my instagram whilst I was there to try and jog my memory but I don't even remember taking the pictures I found. I don't remember how I felt when I watched the fireworks, I don't remember any lovingly shared moments between me and said boyfriends and I don't remember anything about any of the rides except for being in the queue for Pirates of the Caribbean (and that was only because a fight broke out and a poor cast member dressed as a Pirate had to come and split them up!). The only things that have stuck in my mind are standing shoulder to shoulder with hundreds of strangers in the pouring rain as it struck midnight turning December 31st 2012 into January 1st 2013 and feeling exhausted...and also, the sweets I bought in 2015 from the giant World of Disney store. Typical. 



Now my question is this: Is this a case of a seriously bad memory?  Am I just ageing way too quickly and my twenty-six year old mind has the storage capacity of MacBook circa 2006? Or is this my brain being clever and protecting me from potentially reliving hurtful moments? There's so much that I don't remember so how do I know if the missing memories are good or bad? It's impossible to tell. 

All I know is that it was really weird being somewhere that you knew you'd spent time in not all that long ago and struggling for it to feel familiar. It was like looking at the memories through a thick frosted pane of glass. They're just shapes and silhouettes of a time now very much over but to be honest, I'm losing zero sleep over the loss of the those moments. It's just...strange. Disconcerting. Almost worrying to realise what your brain is capable of doing to protect you. I suppose, maybe, I should be saying thank you. 












8 comments

  1. Not being able to remember stuff is definitely a super common trauma response, and I'm sure our brain is capable of doing that for other "bad but not traumatic" memories so your theory most definitely checks out! Sounds very disconcerting though

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  2. It just means that those memories aren't as important to you anymore. Your brain only has so many million neurons, and if you need a bunch of them to remember the script to Heathers, it will trim away less important older memories to make room for the new ones. Not really anything to worry about.

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  3. I have no doubt there are more specific psychological reasons behind the way you feel, and I imagine it must be slightly disconcerting, but what you described also reminded me of the term jamais vu, when, despite having hardly any memory of something, part of you knows you have definitely experienced it before (the opposite of deja vu!)

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  4. I agree with Unknown here. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for nearly two years and remember very little of what happened as part of that relationship. Not long after that relationship ended I entered into a LDR which I later figured out was a rebound (still feel guilt about that one, not past Helen's best move). My memories of the LDR are p hazy as well, and I only tend to remember experiences I had with other partners when those memories are triggered by something. Knowing what went down with Alex, as well as vague details of your relationship with Pete, I'd be prepared to bet that your brain is doing something similar! ☺

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  5. Thank you for this post Carrie <3 it can be more than a little disconcerting when we realise just how much of our lives we don't remember anymore. I tend to think of it like Inside Out - we clear out old memories we don't think about much and no longer benefit us to make room for new memories and growth. From a stranger's perspective, it seems like your life is full of growth and opportunities. And I'm glad you got the opportunity to make new memories there.

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  6. Hi Carrie,

    So my brain works very similar to the way yours does. There are years of my life that I can't remember and I remember talking to my tharpist about it and he told me, that the brain has a way of blocking out the memories that aren't good for us. It doesn't matter if they are good or bad. Why should we look back on what might have been? What good does it do? Tge answer is nothing really. He also told me of ways how I could bring those memories again if I wanted to, but I would much prefer to looks forward. Just know you're not alone.

    XxX
    Kimberly Michelle

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  7. I wonder how I would feel going around Loughborough, Leicester and Nottingham now... it was the area my ex lives in, not been back for 3 years 😂
    I agree to an extent. I surprised my ex to a trip to see Les Amis when we were still together, and I keep remembering that every time I have passed the Queens

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  8. I wish my brain could do that. Sometimes,I feel like I hold on to every single memory... The good and the bad. Ah well, it's a good thing I suppose. Being able to hold on to the "now" and easily letting go of the past.

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