An Introverted Actress

Pulling Out My Feathers

“Apologies. It’s been a while.” That may as well be the way I start every blog. Sorry!

I started lockdown feeling very upbeat. We had to stay home for necessary and justified reasons so I was okay with the idea of lockdown. It didn’t scare me. We were given valid reasons for it that would keep me and everyone else safe. Therefore I had zero qualms with keeping my doors locked. I had a book to finish writing, a book to start writing and a million videos to edit. I decided to look on the sliver of bright side that there was and thought, this will give the time I need to get my shit together.

That’s what would have happened in a perfect world. What actually happened is that I very quickly turned into one of those parrots that pulls out all of its feathers due to the stress of being kept in a cage. Whilst I have a very busy and pretty stressful life most of the time, I’ve found not having that life feels even worse. Sure, I could have done with slowing down a bit but this snail's pace feels like being stuck behind a ninety-year-old with two hip replacements and a Zimmer frame who has lost her Oyster card at the ticket barriers of Piccadilly Station when you’re going to be later for work. 

My brain is such a funny thing. I can go from having the most incredible day to feeling like I’ll never have a day like that again, in mere moments. I’ve definitely ridden this rollercoaster several times since March despite doing all the things that usually make me so happy. It feels like my life has done a big switcharoo. Instead of trying to find and do all of the things that make me feel calm and relaxed, I’m trying to find all of the ways to keep me busy and focused. Puzzles, candle making, writing, reading, making videos every day, growing tomatoes, running, drawing and all while trying not to think about my industry that’s on the brink of ruin. 

For so long I saw so many quotes and inspirational images that said things along the lines of, “Don’t compare yourself to the people who are using this time to be productive!” And I’m like...where are these people? Who on Earth is managing to keep their lives steady and stable amidst all this chaos? I’ve yet to speak to someone who’s been like *shrug* about it all from start to finish and managed to do all the things they set out to do at the beginning of lockdown. I definitely started off that way but it didn’t take me long to start climbing walls and scratching at the curtains and lose all sense of what I should and shouldn’t be doing with this time. I have a list as long as my arm of all the things I wanted to get done. Don't get me wrong, I have done some of the things I intended to do but there are so many things I thought would be possible with this seemingly endless amount of time that just didn't happen. Lockdown came with a set of mental challenges that I didn't anticipate and so much of my To Do List went straight out the window.


All this being said, Oliver and I are very lucky to have jobs to go on to, Frozen and Cinderella. Although they've been postponed until next year and we still have quite a lot left of this waiting game to go, at least we have a light at the end of the tunnel. So many don't and I'm scared for what's to come for our industry. Until that future is upon us, whatever it may be, we have each other. We have our cat. We have family and friends close by who can sit in our garden. We have a garden! No one I know has died of COVID even when they had it. We’re lucky and loved and so all things considered, life is okay. I just need to keep reminding myself of that and being gentle with myself when the walls start closing in. 

  

5 comments

  1. I was excited to go into lockdown as well. I'm a naturally introverted and reclusive person so not being around people was just fine by me. But you're right, after a few weeks, even I got cabin fever. Needing and even wanting to get out but feeling so down and depressed, I couldn't will myself off the couch. Your videos with Oliver and seeing pictures of Edgar were there to brighten my day a bit and of course being quarantined with my grandma and keeping her safe was wonderful as well! <3 <3 <3 to you and yours!

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  2. This is exactly how I’ve been feeling Carrie! Lockdown has been a whole rollercoaster! My normal life is so so busy and this was just such a shock! I’m glad it wasn’t just me feeling this way x

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  3. The first while was a Godsend because I'd been attacked on the street the month before and was very housebound all of February while I was dealing with it because I had to quit my job. I was just sticking my nose out like Bambi in the meadow and then this all started. We were never on lock-down, just social distancing and I live in an unpopulated area but of course there were no friends over, therapy had to be online/phone and I rely on lip reading. The videos have helped tremendously because it's like you guys are talking to 'me'. Your home looks so comfy with Edgar allowed on all the furniture, esp. the tabletop and that beautiful new sofa and the 'inconvenience' of you having your home painted was just a sense of normalcy.

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  4. Thank you for sharing Carrie. My lockdown roller coaster has been an up and down one. I found myself quite depressed towards the beginning. My weight ballooned, I lived in pjs and felt like a bad mum whenever I saw all the stimulating things other people were doing with their children.
    For a long time prior to lockdown, I felt like I had lost myself. Becoming a wife and a Mum took priority and I found that my love of all things music and singing fell by the wayside. Self care also went out of the window, I was really quite a mess.
    But during lockdown, I discovered the wonderful person that is you. Since watching your videos (I had a lot of catching up to do!), I have been inspired to make myself a better person in many ways. The confidence you radiate and the way you don't seem to let anything hold you back is just amazing. I'm now looking after myself better, greatly helped by writing my thoughts down, and I've started singing again. Thank you for being my light in the darkness. Emily

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  5. I have to say that I totally agree and understand how you're feeling. I mean one day I'm sat at college with my friends and the next thing I know, I'm being forced to stay locked in my house and, I finished my final year of college in my own home! That is something I was never expecting and, instead I had this grand vision of finishing college and getting my final results with the girls I worked so hard with! That's not all, lockdown really shook up my routine and, although it doesn't sound too bad, for me it really kicked my anxiety into overdrive. I had no idea what to do with myself and, I had thing nagging feeling of I'm supposed to be doing something or, that I was simply running out of time! I guess I tried to busy myself with things such as colouring, reading, gardening, and baking but, like some of my other hobbies, they all just fell through! Without proper guidelines to follow, I was so lost!! And, sometimes I still feel that way. I've just spent the last 5-ish months at home and now I'm being forced from the nest and have to find myself a job which scares the life out of me! I've never felt quite so unsure of my next move! Now, everything seems to be over? And everybody is just going back to their lives as though nothing happened. It feels really alien to me and, although I keep trying, I find it difficult to put a positive spin on the whole lockdown situation because I've just been riddled with anxiety! I mean I've gotten support from my family and, we've tried our best to keep busy but, it's just so weird!! Well, we've all just got to keep going I suppose.

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