An Introverted Actress

Enough's Enough



A couple of months ago, I started to well and truly unravel. I've had wobbles before but they started to become more and more frequent so that I had less and less time in between to recover. There were several causes to my downward spiral but the main and, looking back with hindsight, most obvious cause was my inability to disconnect from social media. It's one thing to be constantly checking your phone and to spend a significant amount of time scrolling through Twitter and Instagram but I had let it go so much deeper. I was letting the potential opinions of strangers dictate my life when I wasn't even looking at a screen. And yes, I did say the *potential* opinions of strangers. Meaning that every decision I was about to make, I would first try and guess how those who followed me might react to that decision and then I would adapt accordingly. 

Random strangers on the internet would be taken into consideration when making minimal decisions like what to wear, drink and eat. If I had forgotten to bring my reusable KeepCup/water bottle with me, instead of just realising that I'm human and sometimes that happens and trust my audience to understand, I would make sure no picture/selfie was taken of me holding a disposable cup because of the backlash it once caused that I didn't want to deal with again. I stopped posting as much about food I was eating because if it wasn't vegetarian/vegan I'd be berated by those who were and if it was vegetarian/vegan I'd be berated by meat-eaters for, get this, "giving in to political correctness". If I posted a picture of a cake, the fat shaming would start and if I posted about a salad people would send me messages of concern that the fat shamers had finally got to me. If I posted about Disney, I'd be called "childish". If I posted about American Horror Story I'd be told I was "pretending" just to appeal to a more adult audience. If I tagged a brand I liked just because I liked them and not because I was paid to, I would be reported to the ASA/CMA for not being transparent about a brand deal but if I did post an AD, I was "selling out". If I didn't swear on my channel I was a "princess" and if I did I was a "bad role model". If I posted about my boyfriend it was an attempt to "prove we were still together" but if I didn't post about him, our relationship was questioned. If I posted about my brother it was just an attempt to "get followers" but if I didn't, we "secretly hated each other". If I talked about my job too much I was "showing off" and if I talked about it too little I was "unprofessional". It got to a point where I felt like I could only be on public display if I contorted myself into every single box that was laid out by the 600,000 people who followed me and I felt constantly at war in my own head. I felt unable to own my decisions and even my mistakes because I had become so worn down by backlash that I had lost sight of what warranted a genuine apology and what was merely a difference of opinion. But whilst some of my audience's expectations of me were unrealistic, it was my inability to disconnect that was the issue. On the other end of the spectrum, there were rumours and lies and hate like I never could have imagined. About how I'd slept with producers to get certain jobs, how I was a prostitute on the side which is how I managed to buy a house at twenty-six, about how all my boyfriends have been gay and I'm a professional "beard". Despite it all simply being the product of petty rumour mill created by bored strangers that I've never met, when you're the target of that kind of vitriol for year upon year it wears you down. You can no longer just laugh it off because it's no longer funny. The amalgamation of well meaning people trying to guide me with heavy hands towards a better lifestyle and those who just wanted to see me fall, began to affect my actual, meaningful relationships with the people I love. I could see how worried they were at how often I was melting down and at how quickly I was spiralling toward breaking point.

So, finally, on one particularly bleak morning, I reached out for professional help. I've been in counselling and have been diagnosed with anxiety triggered by work related stress. I'm honestly a little shocked at myself for how long it took me to seek help. It took for me to feel like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown before I admitted to others (and myself) that I couldn't cope alone anymore. I've always been open about how I've felt but only to family and friends who couldn't actually teach me how to adapt my way of thinking and implement changes in my life that could keep me a little safer. I needed a professional to steer me in the right direction. In the sessions I've had thus far, I've usually left and had a big cry as I've walked back to the station but ultimately I've felt stronger in the decisions I've made since and I'm much less inclined to share those decisions with social media. 

Social media has been part of my life since I joined Facebook when I was fifteen. I've grown up online and when I set up my YouTube channel at eighteen, I built boundaries far too close to home. Some of those boundaries have been crashed through over the years but I never built them back up. Instead, I just kept letting people in whether they were fuelled by love or hate and I convinced myself that that's just what social media was. SozLolBye! *shrug emoji*. But it's not. Or it shouldn't be, at least. So I've taken big, awkward, necessary steps to rebuild my boundaries and set them further away from my personal life so there's a clear line between my private life and my public one. This is why when I move back into my house, I won't be doing a "House Tour". If people see my house in the background of photos or videos, I'm fine with that but I won't be going to any extra lengths to give people I don't know the blueprints to my home. I recently got a tattoo and if people happen to see it, whatever, but I won't be posting photos of it. I've deleted my Tumblr, I've closed all of my inboxes and I've made sure that all my settings have the filters turned firmly on. My social media presence will now be predominantly work related and I won't be scrolling through the comments when it's not. The difference this has made on my mental health in just the last few weeks has been monumental. It's brought me so much comfort to fence in a portion of my life that is solely for me and my inner circle of loved ones.

You may wonder why I don't just tear it all down. Delete every app on my phone, every profile and tweet and get rid of the source of my problems. But social media isn't the source of my, or anyone's, issues, I don't believe. It's how we interact with it and how we interact with other people interacting with it. My need to be liked, to people-please and be understood and my inability to let go of other people's opinions of me would all still remain and affect my life if I never set foot on a social networking site again. They'd simply manifest themselves in different ways and those things would still need to be fixed. I'm better off working on myself and setting stronger, better boundaries so that I can enjoy social media and use it to my advantage without giving it and it's users too much power over me and my life. So...that's the plan.  







63 comments

  1. Thank you. I appreciate your openness and honesty. I hope you feel better everyday.

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  2. Well done Carrie....you speak a lot of sense xx

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  3. I felt nothing but sorrow as I started to read your blog, that you can't do right for doing wrong. That is so sad and no way to live your life. I am so glad that you have sought professional help and put strong boundaries around your private life. Good for you. Everyone needs something just for them and you are 100% entitled to that as well. Glad to hear that you are overcoming your difficulties and are now in a much better place, mental health wise. Thank you so much for sharing xxxx

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  5. So happy and proud of you, asking for help is one of the hardest things to do, & sharing it is extremely brave. You do you & what’s best for you. I really hope you continue to benefit from it Xxx

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  6. Oh Carrie, I just want to give you a hug and shield you from shitty people! It's good that you're seeking help though, I found counselling invaluable xx

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  7. I'm so happy for you that you're getting help and learning how to put yourself and your own well-being first! It's so important, and it so easy (especially with a job like yours I think) to forget that you don't owe people anything you don't want to give. I applaud you for speaking up about this - both for letting people know what kinds of behaviour aren't okay, but also for showing that it's okay to not be okay and that it's important to get help when you need it. Hope things continue to improve for you and that you're met with understanding and respect for your choices! xx

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  8. I’ve nothing but love and admiration for this blog. It’s honest and raw, but it goes to show how social media affects adults, not just teens. The problem with social media is it gives too many people anonymity, they type with no regard to the receiver/ readers feelings. You don’t owe any explanations, reasons, or hold yourself accountable to anybody but yourself. Keep on going and keep being the beautiful human you are x

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  9. I am truly sorry to hear you have been struggling Carrie ☹�� I'm really proud of you for reaching out to professionals but more importantly I wanted you to know you 100% deserve the support. And that no matter how low or anxious you're feeling, you're doing the best you can and that is flipping amazing! You're an incredibly strong person. Lots of love to you and I hope things continue to improve for you ��

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  10. Thank you so much for speaking out about this, I’m so happy that you’re seeking help and managing to feel better about your presence in social media. I have enjoyed following you on Instagram for a while now and I love how positive you help to make the platform for everyone else who follows you. We appreciate you so much and I’m so proud of how much you have managed to help so many people despite going through your own (at times very public) hard times. Never change, Carrie ❤️ Xx

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  11. So incredibly proud of you. Have always Had so much respect for you Carrie, your work ethic, talent, and your respect for the people and world around you. This respect is only growing as you do. ��

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  12. So glad you are feeling better and were brave enough to seek help when you needed it!! I have been in therapy for nearly three years and truth be told, I am an entirely different person. It quiet literally saved my life. I have found myself on social media less and less over the past months, partly due to (thanks to therapy) now having my own life instead of watching others have theirs. Partly because I have realised that I dislike myself less when I am not constantly surrounded my others who like themselves too much!! And my brain feels all the better for it. Cannot wait for you to get to this place too!! x-x

    P.S. I hope where comfortable you still update us with your running progress. I have started doing Couck25K because of you and Zoe Sugg and am so proud of all of our progress <3

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  13. Bravo! I appreciate this so much. Im about to go to my first therapy session tonight and this calmed my spirit.
    But you, Ms. Fletcher, do not owe anyone anything. You have done so much for us watchers and lovers of art and it is enough. YOU are enough. And you taking the steps to better yourself personally are inspiring and I hope that more people follow suit instead of bashing you.
    Many many hopes and prayers for you on this journey. May it be healing and have goodness follow you wherever you go.

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  14. You deserve nothing but love ❤❤❤

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  15. Im sorry to hear you have had a hard time Carrie❤️ I also admire you for being so open about your struggles which is not always easy. I hope things continue to improve Xxx

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  16. I had counselling while I was in university because of similar feelings, panic attacks 4-5 time a day and a need to please everyone and put out the life online that I was perfect. Counselling was hard for me, still is when I have 'top up' sessions, but it was so needed I drank it up and practiced all they suggested. Your post has made me feel not so alone and I hope that all of us who send supportive messages bring happiness in your day. I now live by 'if it doesn't spark joy...' 😉😂 thank you for sharing your strength, happiness and working life x

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  17. You are so brave! You are also incredibly inspiring!

    I have never understood why people can’t keep their opinions to themselves instead of criticising and putting down people they don’t even know, and it’s seems to happen so often on social media, especially to people who have lots of people follow them. Of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion and thoughts, but they don’t necessarily need to be shared - does everyone need to know everyone else’s opinion all of the time?

    You are one of the few people who I follow that I don’t know personally, simply because I always enjoy the content that you choose to share! Also, you seem so normal, if you know what I mean? (->something hard to explain in terms of social media 😂) If I knew you personally, I think we’d be friends, which is why I will always be one of your supportive followers ❤️

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  18. Your honesty is inspiring Carrie, I’m sure it’ll help many people that are in a similar situation to you. I absolutely love your Instagram ❤️ Musicals, Disney, Harry Potter...what’s not to love?! I’m sorry not all people feel the same way. But you do whatever you need to do and your true fans will be with you every step of the way ❤️

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  19. I'm sorry Carrie. For 5 years you have been my honorary big sister. While watching your videos, I've grown from a lonely 13 year old to an 18 year old almost-adult. I've always found comfort in your channel, like hanging out with an old friend. I'm sorry that some people spend their time trying to tear you down instead of listening to your message of hope and kindness. We are all on your side. Please know that you are loved.

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  20. Reading this made me cry and that was simply because you have always come across as not caring and when behind the scenes you were really struggling. It reminded me of when I felt like that. Although my situation was different to yours I have never been in the spotlight but I did get diagnosed with anxiety (sure there are many different forms) and I know it isn't easy. You feel as though you are being judged by everyone and you feel you need to be everything that everyone else wants all at the same time. I am so proud of you for being honest. The people who care about you as a performer will never care just how active you are on social media and those are your true fans (I really hate that term) but know that the people who really do like your performances will continue to support you no matter what you do, say, or look like. The trolls are not worth feeling anxiety over. Keep Calm and Drink Tea. Carrie you are a star, feel better soon.

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  21. I am so proud of you!!!! I don't know if you're gonna read this, but I'm glad you're getting the help you need. Remember that the most of us are here supporting you, always. Xxx

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  22. so incredibly proud of you and thankful that you are proud of yourself too! thank you for your transparency and i sincerely hope this will bring you a variety of good long term. you deserve that! xx

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  23. Great read Carrie! Nice to see more content creators speaking out against online hate and the impact it can have on a person's mental health. So happy you are putting yourself first and reaping the rewards ❤ Have been following you online for about 6 years (had to double check this against your YouTube videos because it sounds longer than it has felt!) But I enjoy your content as much now as I did when you shared much more intimate details, in fact I probably enjoy it more now knowing you're happier because of it! ❤ xxx

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  24. super rpoud. this may be the kick in the butt ive been needing to get to a counselor too

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  25. Carrie, this broke my heart to hear you've been struggling. I'm so proud of you for seeking help and that you're working through this. I just want you to know that all of your true fans will always continue to support you, whatever happens in your career. I'm sorry that some people try to tear you down, but know that you're so much better than than some will have you believe. Youve inspired me so much and I'll always support you ��

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  26. This decision speaks of a lot of self-awareness and a lot of self-love. It's hard to lay down boundaries for things that other people do not struggle with since they tend to misunderstand your reasons for doing so and they often downplay the havoc that pushed you to redraw those lines. So kudos for doing that. I imagine it must be harder for you since you feel such an obligation to your audience, but please remember, you would be perfectly entitled to throw the whole lot out without actually giving us an explanation. This was a very eloquent piece and I think you explained yourself well but please remember you can just tell people to fuck off.

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  27. YOU ROCK!! GOOD ON YA!! I am proud to say I see you as a role model for not only my 19yr old daughter but also myself (and I'm old enough to be your mother)!! Thank you for keeping it real!! Best wishes from Oregon USA!!

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  28. Wow an amazingly honest person thank you for sharing it us important to find balance and put yourself first

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  29. You have one life to live and you can live it any way you want. I’m so glad you are focusing on yourself. You don’t work for those trolls and nasty people so don’t feel like you need to please them. You share what you want, when you want, how you want. And if people have a problem, that’s their problem. You do you and keep rocking on! We love you Carrie and I wish you the best!!!

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  30. Lovely written and a huge FUCK YOU to all those people who think they know better and tell you what you should do all the time. If they irritate me I can’t imagine you.

    You’re a wonderful writer and communicator and I enjoy reading what you share. Glad I can still do that, but if you ever need to take a few extra steps backwards, know what people who truly care for you (even strangers), we understand and it’s fine! It’s your life. You share a bit of it with us and enjoy that, but it’s not our right. You have the power and control.
    Much love!!

    Ines, from the Disney Wonder ��

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  31. I'm so sad that this has happened to you Carrie and I'm so sorry, but I'm glad you're putting measures in place to protect yourself now.
    I've loved following you for many years and look forward to hearing your opinion and thoughts on life and the world but all I want is for you to be happy and healthy and if that means your share less or not at all then that is 100% worth it.

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  32. I'm so proud you decided to get professional help when you realized you needed it. It's such a brave move that a lot of people never take and I hope it keeps on giving you exactly what you need. xxx

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  33. I alwasy love to read your blog. You are amazing! ❤️❤️

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  34. I feel so bad for you that social media has come to this. I found you on Instagram first then on YouTube. You are an inspiration to many and reading this I wanted to give you a big hug. I hope your counselling brings you peace and will continue to support your pages and posts when you do share. Lots of love to you xxxx ��

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  35. I'm sorry to hear that people just can't be nice and say nice things... you are handling the only way you can. You crack on and keep doing that! Your more than welcome to come and cuddle the large puppy I have if you need to! Xx

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  36. Yaaassss you do you girl. Seems like a brilliant plan and hope it goes well. Sorry that the majority nonplussed nonreactive people who see your posts, smile and double tap aren't often the loudest voices in the room, but we're here! Keep on keeping on and best wishes. x

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  37. Awe, hoping you are coping. You are a normal human being with the most wonderful job in the world, to anyone who've always dreaed about being in the performing arts profession,and people need to realise this. Stay strong hun. Feeling some fans take it a bit too far att times.

    I think, it's gret that you show that you do eat, as this profession is plauged by people starving themselves for some roles etc. to show you're just you
    The same with, what you've mentioned earlier, about people being rude at stage door, remember fns, imagine if someone reacte to you, like that at your work place or made you feel self conscious, is not very nice at all.
    Keep your family and loved ones close Carrie and hoping you're feeling better. Never, ever apologise for who you are and what you do. I love your theatre clogs, cos I miss acting so very much x

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  38. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through this, people can be unbelievably cruel.

    Glad to hear you're taking positive steps towards protecting yourself and finding healthy boundaries.the ��

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  39. Hello.
    I’m not sure if you will ever see this, however I have just read your latest blog post and felt compelled to message you.
    I myself suffer from anxiety and depression and I understand how it feels.
    I wanted to personally apologise that people have made you feel this way,
    I will admit that although I have never seen you in the west end (down side to living up north) I have followed you for many years and feel you are one of the kindest and most caring person and a great role model for the younger generation.
    Keep being you, because you are pretty damn perfect just the way you are x

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  40. I'm pleased that you have been able to set boundaries online that make you feel safer and happier. I'm relatively new to your social media presence after seeing you in Heathers last year, and while I enjoy watching your videos, seeing your posts, etc, as a bystander, I can see how you can't do right for doing wrong, and completely understand your need to step back. Well done for taking positive steps, and I wish you happiness in the future.

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  41. Well done for seeking the help you needed & readdressing your boundaries! Something a lot of people need to learn from. I hope it brings you the peace you deserve x

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  42. Completely and entirely support you in this decision, Carrie. You deserve peace of mind. Best of luck with it and congrats on making the decision to seek counselling, it's not an easy one to make! x

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  43. I’ve honestly felt the same way with YouTube. It was getting to the point that I was wishing I could be people I watched on YouTube because my own life wasn’t all I wanted it to be. So I stopped watching YouTube completely and started realizing that I needed to come to terms with my own issues and anxieties, so I also sought counseling. Now I watch YouTube every so often but I don’t heavily follow my subscriptions and try to learn about their lives to see what I’m missing out on. I just watch what I think is entertaining and leave it at that. Thank you for sharing this Carrie. I hope your counseling is successful and that you find yourself again xoxo

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  44. Greetings from the United States. I am a male senior citizen who just discovered your videos this year. Because of some health problems, I was looking through musical theatre videos to lift my spirits when I came across a video of you singing "On My Own" at Covent Garden. You are incredible! You have a beautiful voice and you bring an emotion to your performances which brings the characters which you portray to life.

    Since then, I have watched many of your videos and I have always come away feeling uplifted. Your accomplishments as an award
    winning actress, best selling author, successful YouTuber and prodigious charity fundraiser are amazing for someone who is so young. However, what I find most impressive is that you are a genuinely positve and caring person. You are a good soul. We need more like you.

    I have no doubt that you will overcome the effects of internet negativity. You seem to be the type of person who can accomplish anything she puts her mind to. This old guy from across the pond
    is deeply grateful for the positivity and pleasure which your videos have brought me. I hope you find all of the peace and happiness you desire. You deserve it.

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  45. WOW! I never thought i could see someone be so brave whilst tackling mental health. I hope you continue to find more happiness and peace in the balance you have created with social media. ����

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  46. Although sad to hear, also really proud of you, in this day where social media has become everything, taking steps to do what’s best for you is great. I did a small YouTube channel once but glad it never became a big thing because I think I would have spiraled out of control mentally and I doubt I would have had your strength to seek help. I still struggle with it but in a way that I struggle with communication and society in general and feel like I don’t fit in. But starting to come to terms with that too. Social media has so many benefits but it has started to control our lives

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  47. Thank you for writing this and sharing it. As someone who also struggles to disconnect from social media and social pressure in general, and as someone who has also just reached that breaking point you talk about, I'm encouraged to seek help. Thank you for your honesty and courage xx

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  48. Continue, being your loving self and be strong, and don't give the pessimist a chance to filter your life.

    Loving your vlogs from your theatre productions and your books, BUT your private life is yous, for yourself only. No one else, and people should also respect that at stage door. Hoping yo're getting lots of love and support from loved ones, family and your fellow cast members x

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  49. Dear Carrie, I'm sure my 15 year old daughter already follows your blog but she too suffers from mood and lack of confidence and crying for no reason. She is an amazing singer and her dream is to perform on stage but she feels desperately sad because she says she "knows it wont happen"

    It's awful to see her so upset. The doctors say it's just a teenage thing but it's more than that and I worry for all teens who get dismissed by their GPs. I don't know how it would be possible to get a signed photo of you for her with some encouraging words. Or if anyone can offer some advice, I'd be glad of it. I just want my youngest daughter to be happier and I will do what I can to achieve this for her.

    If she hasnt read your blog, I will tell her too. All the best x

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  50. I'm kind of sad to hear this, not that you did it, but that anyone would push things to the point where you needed to, unfortunately people on the internet often don't seem to know where the boundaries are/should be.
    On the other hand I can only imagine the amount of strength it took to do all this, nevermind tell us about it. It shows what an impressive young woman you are

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  51. Congratulations. I hope this change brings you more peace and stability.

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  52. Well done. Healthy boundaries are so difficult to achieve. But know that you are and have set them helps me to know that I will get there too. Thank you for sharing this.

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  53. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy that you've found or are working on a place that works well for and will allow you to do what you want when you want. I can definitely relate to being a people pleaser, and playing twister with your life in that way isn't something that should be asked or expected from anyone. Much love ❤

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  54. This is profoundly moving. I have enjoyed you from the beginning and I am actually relieved you are finally setting these boundaries to protect your well being. You have had to deal with so much more in your personal evolution than was necessary with the injection of social media into your already high profile life. The incident you were discussing on Youtube that required police intervention was likely a turning point and possibly the reason you are once again moving house. The details are not our business, but I'm sure I can speak for your supportive social media followers when I say we are collectively relieved that you came out of that incident safely. I'm just glad you are getting the support you need and finding peace in your life. You owe us nothing, and we should enjoy what you share with no expectation. There may be a bit of shift in your audience with those who miss the intimate 'girlfriend' aspect of your social media, but you will maintain and grow the viewership that is fitting to your life and content as it is now. Try not to worry during the transition. You must come first, anyone who belongs in your world or your viewership will understand that. I hope you continue to make great strides in your life and your happiness as time goes on and I look forward to whatever you choose to share. May you continue to be blessed in all you do/experience, Lynne x P.S. I love that you took the leap and got a new tattoo, what better way to mark a new beginning! :)

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  55. I'm so pleased that you're doing something for you Carrie! I watched you YouTube video you posted earlier, and you made the comment that you are not the same person at 27 as you were at 18 when you started. I started watching your videos regularly when I was 18 and now at 21 I don't feel like that person, but you've changed too and I feel like that change has only made me love your content more. I'm happy to view whatever you choose to share, and totally understand that somethings are private and need to stay that way! I hope this new transition brings you joy and peace!

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  56. I'm glad ur finding a new sense of peace for yourself.
    And thank you for not deleting your Chanel/leaving completely

    I'm happy that you feel comfortable enough to share what you do and im so greatful for that. I'm also an actress and find all ur bts videos and music inspirational

    But I'm happiest knowing that you have boundaries now. I am sorry for whatever part I played in this issue, as I hope a lot of ur fans are.

    Please stay mentally strong.
    Please keep growing and getting stronger.

    Thank you for being honest
    Thank you for staying sane

    ♥️

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  57. You come across as a wonderful person Carrie. I admire you for being so open and honest. It’s good that you are tackling these issues and I wish you every success.

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  58. i wish i was your friend irl ! i want to shower you with hugs and warm cookies ! i'm so happy for you that you've gotten help i always wondered when you'd get counseling because i noticed that you have anxiety (i do too) and i've always worried about you and how you were doing <3 don't forget that your wellness comes first above all else ! i love you kind stranger :) xooooooxox

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  59. Carrie,

    I think it's safe to say that many of us, including myself, hope for the very best for you, your artistry and your creative form of expression. You've been such a bright light for us and we just want you to be happy and keep growing and heading in the right direction for you! Wishing you the absolute best in this chapter of your life :) ~evy

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  60. Another truly beautiful piece of writing filled with raw emotions and home truths. Bravo! Although I'm sad that you've had to do this, I am truly inspired! 💛

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