I Know and I'm Trying

I have a few things I’d like to address. 

Privilege. 

I am hugely privileged. I am white and cisgender with hugely supportive and loving parents who made lots of sacrifices to make sure my brother and I had opportunities that they never did. Whilst we did struggle financially, we’ve never been poor and I’ve never been denied basic things like food, water and shelter. That is a struggle I will never pretend to know. We had everything we could have wanted because I was lucky and privileged enough to be born in a first world country to parents who loved and supported me no matter what. 

I’ve also been privileged enough to have a lot of help over the years to get me to where I am today. I’ve never had to do anything solely on my own. Some of it was an uphill battle but I always had company on the journey. People pushing me, pushing FOR me and people opening doors I never could have opened alone. Whilst many of them aren’t on social media and won’t ever see this and although i’ve already tried to show a lot of gratitude over the years, you can’t ever say thank you enough. So thank you, for everything. 

I don’t believe that I am where I am because I work harder than anyone else. I’m going to say that again. I don’t believe I work harder than anyone else. I don’t believe I have more talent than anyone else. My success has been a huge mixture of the talent and ability I do possess, mixed with “right place right time” luck and the help of others in higher positions than myself. None of it would have worked without the others. 

Insecurities

I’m not perfect. There has never been a day in my life when I looked in the mirror and thought “You, Lady, are beyond improvement”. There are many situations I don’t handle well and even the ones I feel I did handle well, I sometimes look back and see that I didn’t. I actually can’t stress it enough...I do not think I am perfect.  I don’t even think I’m particularly ‘average’. Over recent years I’ve become incredibly anxious in certain situations and that anxiety has caused me to make decisions that, in turn, have disappointed a lot of people which then makes me angry at myself and insecure about what people will say. Then when those insecurities are confirmed by others, usually online, I jump into defensive mode to justify my decisions and I very quickly dig myself a deep, dark hole. It’s scary having your darkest thoughts of yourself confirmed by strangers. Are they seeing through to the “real” me? Or are they just seeing the worst? 

Appearance

I’ve gained weight in the last couple of years mainly due to birth control. When I finally found one that didn’t cause depression as a side effect or cause my body to go into complete hormonal disarray, one that was right for me, it made me gain weight. Then I was touring with The Addams Family where I drank more than I ever have before which obviously didn’t help. In an online world where people constantly scrutinise your every move, when that every move is in inches outwards from your waistline, the comments are mean and they cut pretty deep. Whilst I’m pretty body confident no matter what size I am, it’s difficult to see others with their figurative measuring tapes, tallying up every inch and every pound and determining how successful you’ll be or how much they like watching you as a result. I find that really difficult. 

All of this is a result of the fact that last night, I stumbled onto Guru Gossiper for the first time in about two years. I was looking for a photograph I knew I’d tweeted so I turned to google. Said photo had also been posted to this gossip website and stupidly...I clicked the link attached. I spent an hour, scrolling endlessly through thousands of posts detailing every bad thing I’ve ever thought about myself. All confirmed by a handful of people I’ve never met. 

I could sit here and say “They’re all jealous haters!” and whilst I don’t believe kind-hearted people who genuinely want the best for the YouTubers they watch would take to such a website, I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I didn’t see truth in some of what was said. I think that’s why so many people hate that site so much. It’s a mirror you would only use if you wanted to see the worst version of yourself. It’s a place where all of your redeeming features are forgotten and you’re forced only to look at your vices, mistakes and failures...and who wants to stare at that for too long?

So I wanted to write this blog not to defend myself to strangers on the internet but instead to say…

I know.

I know I’m not a good person 100% of the time. I know I am privileged. I know I’ve had a lot of help. I know how I used to look and I’m aware of how that’s changed and how I look now. I know I’m terrible at relationships. I know i’m occasionally problematic. I know producers love the fact I have a large online audience and utilise that for the good of their production. I know I would benefit from training. As proud as I am of my books and as much as I love them, I know my books aren’t well loved by many. The list could go on and on and on an on until ‘Blogger’ tells me I’ve run out of space. I know my faults, I know my flaws, I know where I fall short and where I can improve...but I also know I’m trying. I really am. I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got and I can’t apologise enough for when that falls short too. For when I disappoint and for when I make mistakes. 

I know...and I’m trying. 

EDIT: Originally I had written "I know my books aren't perfect" but upon reflection, that's not exactly what I meant. I'm truly proud of my books and I would have fought against deadlines if I thought they weren't yet ready for publication. I trust my team, my editor and the publishing house and I love each and every novel I've written. However, I am aware of the criticism surrounding them, some I agree with and some I do not. My novels are as perfect as they should be for publication but they're not perfect in the sense that I am always striving to be a better author and I will read them in ten years time and want to change things.