Am I Who They Think I Am?

On the 14th August, I embarked on the biggest book tour I have ever been on to date. There was a little hiccup due to timings, as initially I had thought I would finish Heathers The Musical on August 4th and then be free right up until The War Of The Worlds began on November 30th. To my delight, however, Heathers is extending it's run in the West End at the Theatre Royal, Haymarket which meant a few of my book tour dates had to be rejiggered. Not to worry though, as the teams at Little Brown and Waterstones were hugely supportive and were able to move the final week of the tour so it became the first week of the tour, thus missing any clashes with Heathers rehearsals!

The tour was incredible for many different reasons. I met lots of happy, smiley people, I sold lots of books, I heard lots of people talk about how they feel my writing has effected them positively, I got to travel around the UK and spend some quality train journeys with the amazing team of women at Little Brown. All in all, it was a very successful tour!

Taken at Birmingham Glee Club by Hannah Boursnell

However...and that's not a "however, this next thing that I'm about to explain ruined it all!" or a "however, I shall never be doing it again because of X, Y and Z!". Na uh. It's just a...however, there was something I felt as a result of the tour that I didn't quite anticipate although should have definitely seen coming.

The range of interactions at a signing is HUGE. Some lovely people come up to the table and are a little nervous, therefore a little quiet too, but that's okay! I make sure I have lots of things I can ask such as "How is your day going?" or "What are you up to after this?" or they're wearing something super cool/have amazing hair that I can tell them I love. Others approach the table with a whole speech prepared that explodes out of them and all I have to do is take it in and be very grateful that someone's shared such kind words. Some people had a whole speech prepared but entirely forget what they were going to say as their book hit my hands. Some aren't even there for me. They're there because their sister, girlfriend, brother, mother, etc, is a fan and they couldn't make it. I'm as much a total stranger to them as they are to me so the conversation that can be had is limited. Even so, I ask them how their day has been, tell them what a lovely brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, etc, they are and send them on their way to earn some brownie points!

Whilst you may think the hours of social interaction for someone who claims to be an introvert, the travelling or the public speaking might be the most daunting part of a Q&A/signing, (and don't get me wrong, ten 6am-10pm days of travelling across the entire UK and meeting around 300-400 individuals on every single one of those days is...a lot) but what really gets me, is the horrible twist in my gut when I wonder what each person sees as they approach the table. In my last blog, I talked about Guru Gossiper, the website that is the digital equivalent of The Picture of Dorian Gray. If GG is a mirror that shows you only the worst parts of yourself, signings and meet and greets must be the opposite. Young people come up to you and thank you for saving them in their darkest hours. They literally cry on your shoulder and tell you they love you. They only have the nicest and most sincere things to say and thank me for saving them in ways I couldn't have possibly saved them, considering I was completely unaware that I was doing anything vaguely in the realms of "life-saving" and all I did was make a video dressed as Wednesday Addams. In all honesty, their kindness may be just as terrifying than if they all approached my table and read out the things posted on GG. (At least then, I might even agree with them...)

When people have extreme reactions to you on either end of the spectrum, they're ignoring half of the story. They're refusing to see a side of you that makes up the whole and the hardest part for me is that it's entirely out of my control. I could show all my extreme haters every wonderful, selfless thing I've ever done and it still wouldn't be enough for them to see that maybe I'm not the devil in disguise. Then again, I could show each enthusiastic, love filled person, clutching the entire set of my books at my signing, every awful thing I've said to various different people in my life and they'd probably find excuses for me when I was never able to find any excuses for myself. I'm just out here living my life and those who already hate me will find the bad in every mundane action I make and those who already love me will find a way to praise it. 

So, when someone hands me a book and bursts into tears and/or showers me with praise, whilst I'm obviously grateful for their kindness and support, I can't help but feel this odd sense of guilt. Am I who they think I am? Have they put me on a pedestal? Are they ignoring the not-so-good? Or have they seen the not-so-good and understand that I'm just a human who's doing their best to be a good person? It's difficult hearing someone say "You're amazing" when your knee jerk reaction is to immediately think "If you only knew"...especially considering there's nothing to know! I'm only as flawed as the next person but my brain makes it seem like "If you only knew...that I've murdered forty-seven people, I've scattered their charred remains in secret locations in the UK and I'm living in constant fear someone may stumble across one of them whilst walking the dog".  As I detailed in my last blog, I'm a hugely flawed and occasionally problematic human being who's just trying to do her best to get by. Perfection will always escape me. As, I'm sure, it will everyone. Enjoying my work and respecting me is one thing but thinking I could never do any wrong is only setting yourself up for disappointment and setting me up for a very large fall. In a 30 second interaction at a signing, it's hard to gauge how someone is really seeing me and I just have to trust that everyone's savvy enough to understand that that there's bad in who we think are the best of us.

A post shared by Eleanor Hawthorne (@eleanorabbey93) on Aug 20, 2018 at 1:48pm PDT

So, that little space in the Venn diagram between "what I know" and "what I think everyone else knows" is where I've been living for the last couple of weeks. It's been lovely and odd and terrifying and exhausting and it's been interesting to discover that it's equally as scary when you get too close to either end of the love/hate spectrum. When I find the sweet spot, I'll let you know.