Day Seventeen and Eighteen: Create and Social

I'm combining "Create" with "Social" as I personally feel there's a link. Over the years, my creativity seems to just keep increasing. A shelf full of books I've written in various different languages. A CV full of colourful, brilliant characters. A stage door full of smiling faces. I've been so lucky and I am so grateful for this career I've built and have had lots of help creating. It's my greatest achievement and if it all went tits up tomorrow, I've had an amazing run. 

However, there seems to be a stereotype around performing in particular that I naturally don't conform to. It's not an active choice I make but a feeling deep in my gut that repels me, like a magnet. You'd think those who stand on stages, who willingly put themselves in the spotlight, who have chosen a life of promoting themselves in order to earn a living, would enjoy attention. I've talked about this before but recently, Patti Murin, the actress currently starring as Anna in Broadway's Frozen, reached out to her followers on Twitter and opened up about a recent anxiety attack that prevented her from performing. I can't speak on behalf of an actress I don't know. I can't pretend to know the ins and outs of what Ms Murin is going through but I do have my own experiences, that I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about. 

So last night I called out of the show because I had a massive anxiety attack in the afternoon. It had been building up for a while, and while the past month has been incredible, all of the ups and downs and stress and excitement really takes a toll on my mental health. I’ve learned that these situations aren’t something to “deal with” or “push through.” Anxiety and depression are real diseases that affect so many of us. It requires a lot of rest and self care to heal every time it becomes more than I can handle in my daily life. While I hate missing the show for any reason at all, Disney has been nothing but supportive of me as I navigate my life and work, and I’m so grateful to them. Just remember that you’re not alone, your feelings are real, and this is not your fault. Even Disney princesses are terrified sometimes.

A post shared by Pattimurin (@pattimurin) on Apr 18, 2018 at 7:32am PDT

This blog's subtitle is 'An Introverted Actress' and I very almost hit backspace on that before  publishing. I've had people scoff the few times before the creation of this blog when I referred to myself as an introvert. When I took the 16personalities.com test for a bit of fun and got INFP, 'I' standing for 'Introvert', there were a couple of "funny" tweets, accusing me of making things harder for real introverts. Whether it was through fear of more judgement or fear of making anxiety sound like the cool thing to have, I'm not sure, but I'm glad I stuck to my guns and left the subtitle where it was. 

It's been a very strange journey for me, getting to this point. I used to feel like the life and soul of the party. I was a people loving, party going, social butterfly but put simply, a series of unfortunate events within my own personal life and a few encounters in my professional life caused me to shrink in on myself a bit. At first, I wanted to resist the natural urges to stay inside between shows when my brain felt a bit fuzzy. I ignored the dread in my heart, I blinked back the tears and I battled onwards, forcing myself into situations that had once felt natural but now felt like wars. (Oh no. I'm crying. I think I hit a nerve with that last line.) I hated that what now felt normal was so unlike the person I had previously been but I also hated that I wasn't able to turn up to work, do my job and then go home again. I had set a precedent, encouraged an expectation and I knew the reception to the introvert I had become over the years wasn't going to be accommodating...and it wasn't. After all, trying to explain to young teenagers who had travelled for miles to come and see me in a show that "Carrie won't be coming out of stage door because her brain hurts" doesn't really fly (and explaining it to their parents is another barrel of fish altogether!).  I get it. I don't blame anyone for anything that's been said because I understand the reasons why and who else was there to blame but me? Whilst, I maintain that no one has an entitlement to meeting actors at stage door and that audiences pay for a show, not a meet and greet, it's taken me a long time to hold my hands up and say that the reasons behind my lack of appearances after performances is my own anxiety. My heart hurts when I think of all the people I've disappointed over the years and I'm so sorry to anyone who feels wronged by me in that respect who happens to be reading this. Know that it never comes from a place of superiority or arrogance but a much darker place of angst and fear. (Oh no. Tears again!). Many dressing rooms across the UK have seen many tears, deep breaths and more camomile teabags than I'm prepared to put a number on but to echo Patti Murin, sometimes you can't "deal with" or "push through" those feelings of anxiety and sadness. Or more that no one should deal with or push through them. In the same way that had Patti Murin physically injured herself, no one would have expected her to perform. It's difficult to grasp but we're all talking more these days and slowly, we're getting there. We'll get there.

TL;DR, not all creatives should be expected to be social because not all natural creatives are naturally social. However, all introverts are capable of having, not only creative careers, but careers in the spotlight. I have worked with countless creatives who suffer with anxiety, depression, BPD and a variety of different mental health issues and yet they have thriving careers simply because they are outstanding at what they do. It's possible. You can do it. You got this. 

#BlurtSelfCareathon

xxx