An Introverted Actress

When I received my first ‘Save The Date’ card about four years ago, I wasn’t sure what the appropriate response should be. Usually, it’s one of joy. ‘Oh how lovely! X and Y are getting married!’…but what if the names you’re reading are so utterly unfamiliar that you start to convince yourself you may have blacked out for several years in which you became friends with ‘Mark and Belinda’? I’m now three ‘Save The Date’ cards in, the dates on two of which had long since expired by the time I opened them and the names on all three were unbeknownst to me. It always takes a good few guilt ridden moments before realising, my memory is, in fact, fine…I just do not happen to know the happy couple. 

Anonymous requests for dinner dates on Tumblr certainly aren’t the norm but they’re more frequent than I ever would have imagined they would be. Blank birthday cards for me to sign flood into my PO box and through theatre Stage Doors at an alarming rate, and I’m lucky if the the number on the front of the card still matches the age of the person it’s destined for by the time I send it back! Requests to send good luck messages to various school productions of shows I’ve been in or for teenagers going up for drama school auditions are currently in the hundreds. ‘How lovely!’ I hear you cry! ‘What a thing it is to feel loved and wanted! To be in demand! To have an abundance of friends, as and when you want them!’ And of course, you’re completely right! It’s lovely to know I must be doing something right in my life and career for so many people to contact me in such lovely, meaningful ways! I will state now, for the record, how grateful I am for all the wonderful people who have invited me to sit in amongst family and loved ones at their wedding or thought that my signature on the bottom of a birthday card would somehow add to it’s meaning. It makes me emotional to think there are people out there who hold me in such a high regard. It’s truly and honestly humbling and beautiful. However, this kind of ‘celebrity’ is something I never banked on. It’s not something I ever sought out or have ever trained for and something I still don’t quite know how to deal with. I’m not sure I ever will. It’s new and strange and as someone who isn’t as confident, out-going and extroverted as people may think, the thoughts of embracing every chance to act like a “celebrity” makes me shudder and shake like a fly caught in a spider’s web. Especially when, I have learned, such lovely things sometimes have a tendency of turning a little sinister from time to time  …

Becoming “well known” didn’t happen overnight, of course, which means the skills to deal with being “well known” didn’t suddenly materialise for me either and often, there’s no amount of training that could prepare you for some of the weird s*** that comes your way when you’re in the public eye. In amongst the gorgeous messages of ‘thank you’s and ‘I respect what you do’s…there’s a dark side to it all that doesn’t dampen the good stuff in any way but it makes the whole package a little heavier and harder to hold. After all, what could possibly prepare you for someone repeatedly and forcefully trying to snog you at stage door in front of a crowd of onlookers who don’t know what to do or how to help you? Nothing will soften the blow of someone messaging you just to tell you how terrible your work is. Nothing can untie those knots in your stomach when you read the torrent of hate you get after having sheepishly announced you can’t make it out of stage door, or when you tweet that there won’t be a video that week or that the competition you’re holding won’t be worldwide but ‘UK only’. I don’t know or understand how to deal with half of these situations and it seems like there’s no one who could possibly tell me. 

This isn’t supposed to be a tale of ‘woe is me’. Who wants to give sympathy to someone for being “too loved” and “too admired”. I’m fine, of course! I have a great life and I’m grateful to each and every person who spends even a minute of their time on me. Only someone truly arrogant and heartless wouldn’t be! It’s just…a bit weird, isn’t it? Never, at any point in my life, did I imagine this many people would know my name and my face. Never did I think this would be my life. Never did I think strangers would invite me to their weddings and parties and christenings or just want to have a coffee with me because they admire my work. When I hear the words ‘excuse me’ when I’m out and about, I just think I’ve…I dunno…dropped something? Someone needs the time? Someone’s asking if I have a lighter? Do I know where this train’s going? It takes me a long old time to recognise their recognition and realise they know who I am (although of course, sometimes someone does just need the time…!). Seven years down the line, seven years where the chance of people recognising me in the street has been prevalent in my life and I still get a little bit freaked out when a stranger knows my name, even though I’m the one who plastered it all over twitter, instagram, tumblr and youtube! Sort of like when you call the cashier at a supermarket by their name and they have a moment of shock before they realise it’s on a badge that is pinned to their chest. And relatively, I’m not even that well known but it’s the YouTube side of things that makes it a little bit different. I chat about deep and meaningful stuff and I let people into my life which can sometimes be mistaken for a deeper connection than the simple ‘creator and viewer’ relationship that it actually is. However, often the interactions I have with people who watch my channel are gorgeous. People tell me where they know me from, sometimes they’ll even shake my hand, hug me and tell me their name! Sometimes they ask for a photo, sometimes they just want to say hi and after a minute or two of a little bit of chatter, we part ways feeling brighter! Other times, I get the feeling that now we’ve met, they’re under the impression that the natural progression is…we go for coffee. Now we’ve met, this changes things. Now…we’re best friends…and sometimes that has been the case. I’ve had someone follow me home and try to invite themselves into my flat. I’ve had people I’ve just met ask when they get to meet my nephews. I even had a stalker for a while which was terrifying when I was in a show and they knew where and when to find me six days of the week. 

(This is a picture Oliver took as I left to get coffee with him on get-in day in Bath. He was waiting at the sign at Stage Door pretending he wanted an autograph. As you can see he found it very funny.)

People tell me that friends were once strangers who became friends. Which is indisputable. Totally spot on. Except…those friends were both strangers when they met. Neither had any knowledge of the other or very little at the least. It was an even playing field. When a stranger approaches me because they recognise me, they already know my name, my age, my birthday, that my favourite colour is green, they may have my social media bookmarked on their laptops and phones, they might have read everything I’ve ever written, they probably know how many family members I have and what their names are, they might know that I love watching Peaky Blinders and Victoria, they may know I love tea and coffee and cake, they may have seen me in one or two musicals or even every musical I’ve ever been in…to them, I am not a stranger. I am a fully fleshed out character with likes and dislikes, family and friends, and instantly, there’s an imbalance. Not only do I not know their name yet, but this is the first time I’ve ever even seen their face! Depending on how long they’ve been watching me for, it would take me a long time to catch up. The majority understand that friendship is something no person in the public eye (or even, no person at all!) should be expected to offer and that’s nothing to do with status, arrogance or importance. In my opinion, it’s mainly to do with time and quantity. It’s a hundred, a thousand, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, sometimes millions of people, looking at one individual who couldn’t possibly be expected to split their time evenly between each person whilst still maintaining the career that got them so well known in the first place, let alone their own personal life…surely? Not only that but are there even a million people who the celebrity would want to consider a friend? Is it possible to find that special connection with that many people? Of course, sometimes, it works out! I have a wonderful friend who I first met at a stage door. We had a chat, they gave me their number and made it clear there was no obligation to get in touch and they wouldn’t suddenly start turning up at stage door to chase me up on the offer. A couple of weeks later, I text them. Yesterday was our four year friendaversary! We meet up for coffee maybe twice a year if we can and natter away for usually what ends up being hours. Will, if you’re reading this, we’re overdue on that coffee! SOON I PROMISE! But am I now expected to text, tweet, email everyone who has ever given me their contact details in order to make it fair? I fear there is a minority that do expect just that and sometimes their opinions are loud and a little scary…!

Stage Door at Les Miserablés! 

Nothing has changed for me in the last few years. Not in how I view myself in comparison to the rest of the population of the planet, anyway. In my head, I’m no different from “before”. Pre-Les Mis and pre-YouTube. Obviously, I’m older, I’ve grown up and I’ve learnt a lot. I’m happier with who I am but all in all, I’m still the same Fletcher I was years and years ago. Before anyone knew my name or would recognise my face. Like I said, nothing happened overnight but maybe the gradual increase made it harder to notice. Like a frog in a pot of water, if you gradually increase the temperature it won’t notice it’s being boiled until it’s dead. Before I realised where things were headed it was a little too late to be fully prepared for the situation I was already in the middle of. Now, I’m in a strange situation because I’m a normal person, right? I’m still a human being with feelings and thoughts and I’m no better than any one individual on this planet. But…I get followed home! People try to kiss me as I leave work! I may be a normal person but I find myself in situations that certainly aren’t normal which means I sometimes have to deviate from the normality of my own life in order to feel safe and happy. For example, not leaving through stage door sometimes. I know I’ve talked about that a lot but not in this context, I guess. The reason I sometimes don’t leave through stage door isn’t because I think I’m better than the people who have come to see the show. My own view of myself hasn’t changed. My own normality and self awareness aren’t the issue. It’s the fact that stage door has started to become abnormal. It’s become a place where people insult me, shout at me, push me, try to kiss me, go through my personal belongings and as a “normal” person…I find that incredibly intimidating and as a “normal” person, I’d rather not be put in that abnormal situation. So when the crowds at stage door are larger and there’s an increased chance of something abnormal happening, my anxiety grabs hold of my legs and changes their direction. It’s nothing to do with ‘celebrity’ or ‘fame’. If I wanted that celebrity I’d probably be there every day lapping up the love and attention despite the weird goings on that occur! In reality it’s my desire for normality that makes me shy away. My job is acting, writing and making videos and the publicity that comes from that is actually just a by-product of what I do as opposed to the reason I do it. So, am I allowed to be introverted, anxious and a little adverse to attention and yet still have a job that’s in the public eye? Can I write books, blogs and be in shows without relishing in the attention it comes with? Personally, I think I can but this conversation is born from other conversations I’ve had with people online and people in my own field who disagree or have varying views on the matter.

Stage Door at Les Miserablés!

Listen, this whole world of viewers and influencers (eww) is all so new in the grand scheme of things, let alone new to me. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Does anyone? I don’t write any word of this in complaint or anger…it’s more fascination. I’m completely fascinated by social media, fan culture, fan/creator relationships, stage doors and everything that comes alongside having a job in the public eye. I wish there was a handbook to navigating it all because thus far, I’ve been guessing and like all things, sometimes it’s joyous, sometimes it’s difficult and sometimes it’s crazy! As someone who’s gradually retreating from the spotlight outside of her profession, I’m finding it hard…which is probably why I’m blogging about it. For myself as much as to give others an insight into my brain and the reasons behind my actions. Wanting to retreat in no way diminishes my gratitude for everyone who supports me. I think I’m just learning that I love to be creative but I don’t really enjoy the attention it drums up. Whilst I will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be kind and grateful to those who do recognise me, who do come to stage door and those who I meet one way or another, to actively put myself in positions where I’m likely to be recognised or to actively seek out that attention just ain’t my bag! 

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xxx